Any Given Afternoon #02: The Bathroom Problem

 

Percy looked at the bathroom door, sealed shut by caution tape. He was a good christian boy and the men’s room was out of service. It was the dilemma of the century.

“Just use the gender neutral restroom, dude,” Ribbon said. Percy turned to his-- companion? No, that wasn’t the right word. Coworker wasn’t correct either, as they were both volunteers. Friend? Absolutely not. 

Acquaintance.

Percy turned to his acquaintance, the ‘non-binary’ person with a red bow stuck through their peach hair. Like Percy, Ribbon was here to entertain the patients in the children’s ward. Percy was an amateur magician while Ribbon… Helped them color, Percy assumed. He wasn’t quite sure what she did except annoy him.

“Or,” Ribbon continued, “Just go in your hat and make it magically disappear.”

“Maybe you and your kind would be fine with that, but those who follow God’s word would never use the world as their bathroom.”

Ribbon rolled their eyes. “So then what’s your plan? Piss your pants?”

Percy sighed. Poor Ribbon, unable to see God’s always providing hand. “I can simply go down to the stripmall and use a restroom there.”

Unfortunately for him, Ribbon followed.

☕︎☕︎☕︎

The two found themselves in the SidewalkMart. Ribbon leaned on the wall between two doors.

“So, what are you?” Ribbon asked. “A football or a shopping bag?”

Percy stared helplessly at the signs. As Ribbon said, one showed a football while the other presented a shopping bag.

“I… don’t understand,” Percy said.

“What’s there to understand? Do you like football or shopping?”

This felt like a trap. Percy wasn’t a fan of football or any sport, really. But didn’t shopping usually denote femininity? He enjoyed shopping, but he was a good christian boy. Boys didn’t like shopping. Except maybe shopping for footballs? And then what if you didn’t enjoy either?

Ribbon watched as the autist’s face slowly broke into a mess of confusion as he tried to bend paradoxes to make any sense. The particular expression reminded Ribbon a bit too much of someone actually questioning their gender and, if Percy was, he should probably start questioning it over something less humiliating than bathroom decals.

“How about we move on?” They asked.

☕︎☕︎☕︎

Next-door was a bistro kind enough to let non-customers use their toilets.

Percy and Ribbon cocked their heads at the words written on the two doors. ‘Uomini’ and ‘Donne’.

“It must be Italian,” Ribbon said, already pulling out their phone.

“No, let me figure this out.” Just like his pastor said, God was always giving those in need a hand, but it was up to them to take it. Surely God would be giving him a clue right now. Another test of his faith that he was to puzzle his way through. “So, ‘Uomini’ has the letter ‘M’ in it, which ‘Men’s’ starts with. But it starts with ‘U’, which is a girl’s letter.”

Ribbon’s brain short-circuited and so they stared at the boy.

“‘D’ is absolutely a boy’s letter, but ‘Donne’ feels so feminine. Then again, ‘Uomini’ does too. And girls are smaller than boys, so maybe that’s where the ‘mini’ comes from?”

Percy said this, despite being here with someone who liked to call herself ‘50% girl, but only in the cute ways’ and was a good foot taller than him.

“Could they both be girl’s rooms?” Percy asked. “But why would there be two girl’s rooms and no boy’s?”

“Maybe one of the toilets transitioned.” Ribbon said. “Good for her.”

☕︎☕︎☕︎

Now this was just ridiculous. Sure, you’d expect the pet store to do something cute with their restrooms, but even Ribbon thought this was indecipherable.

One bathroom was for dogs and the other was for cats.

Percy had waited so long and he had to go enough to turn to Ribbon and silently beg for help. Ribbon shrugged, as confused as he was. But Percy had run out of patience and time and so hurriedly retreated to the checkout aisles, where a face he thankfully recognized was staring into space.

“Addy!” Percy shouted shrilly as he rushed toward the employee. “Am I a dog or a cat?”

Addy stared blankly at the boy and the desperate tears welling in his face. He responded dryly. “I think that’s a question for your vet.”

☕︎☕︎☕︎

Percy trudged into the furniture store next door, barely able to hide his desperation. Every spare cell of his brain was focused entirely on keeping himself together. The only thought that he managed to cobble together was that when you thought about it, the entire universe was God’s bathroom.

“Percy, look!” Ribbon said, hope in her voice. She bounded forward and waited for Percy to catch up.There, at the back of the store, were two doors which both read Gender Neutral Restroom.

“Finally,” Percy whimpered, “The Lord provides.”

“This whole thing started because you didn’t want to use one, though.” To be honest, they was hoping this would teach him something it obviously hasn’t. Well, if he was gonna be like this, she might as well have her fun. “Okay. Now, which direction is more masculine? Left or right?”

Percy wanted to cry.